Alcoholic, violent, resentful, twice divorced, involved with a married man - God couldn't possibly love me, thought Brenda Hurst.
"I used to feel so dirty and ashamed of myself that I would try and scrub myself clean," she said.
"But it's about being clean on the inside and now I know that God loves me, despite everything I've done."
It was 27 years ago that God started moving in Brenda's life in a powerful way, even though she had known about Him since childhood.
"My parents were Christians and very spirit-filled," she said.
"They were Methodists and never had a drink. They signed a pledge to say they wouldn't drink. So did I when I was about six- we found it when we were going through my mother's papers. My daughter howled with laughter when she saw that!"
One of six brothers and sisters, Brenda was always very shy and never felt like she belonged in the family.
"I found it difficult to talk to anyone," she said.
"But once I had discovered drink I could put the world to rights. It gave me the confidence that I had never had."
Her first drink, at 17, came at a time when God had started moving in her life.
"I remember kneeling at the church alter crying my eyes out," she said.
"God did touch my heart, but I said thank you, but no thank you. I would have to give up too much. I had started hearing about the dance halls and pubs I was never allowed to go in and I wanted a taste of it all."
One of Brenda's regular drinking haunts was the labour club that has now become Clifton Christian Centre.
"I would often be just getting going at closing time and I would buy a bottle from behind the bar to take home because I hadn't had enough," she said.
"Once the fresh air hit me, my legs would give way and I would often collapse. In fact, I used to think I had never been in the gutter, but I had. I had gone down a back alley to be sick and passed out for two hours. I must have slid, because all my face was grazed."
Brenda's first marriage lasted 15 years- her husband had no idea she had a drink problem. Her second husband was also a drinker and became very violent.
"I gave as good as I got, but I always came off worst," she said.
"He was a different person when I was pregnant- he was lovely. But I lost the baby at five months."
The relationship came to a dramatic end one night when he tried to kill her.
"I was in bed and he came at me with an axe - I moved out of the way and the axe went into the bed," she said.
"I managed to get out of the house with what I had on. The girls at work would bring me clothes to wear, so I didn't have to go back."
The incident prompted a move to Blackpool from St Helen's, where Brenda's next relationship resulted in her becoming pregnant, at 37, with her daughter, Jane.
"He was married, but his wife wouldn't divorce him, because she was catholic," she said.
"I was always very resentful of that, because I could never come to terms with not being married to him."
This relationship also involved alcohol and although she often felt 'like death' she always managed to get to work- by then at Burton's Biscuits as a Comptometer operator.
"We never had much money, so we used to get a bottle of sherry and a bottle of cider and mix them up," she said.
"I remember I would drink for so long and then feel what was like a little burst inside- then I felt safe, happy and comfortable and nothing could touch me. Of course, if I was unhappy, I would drink more."
Despite her own problems, Brenda wanted her daughter to attend Sunday School. She soon got invited to regular Christian meetings - usually sneaking a drink in her bag to get through the night.
"They were so lovely and I must have knocked them over with my breath!" she said.
"One night, someone told me that Jesus loved me and I said there's no way that Jesus can love me. They offered to pray for me and I felt something jump inside. It came up further and further and then I cried my eyes out for about an hour. It was as if I was being washed clean- it was beautiful. That was the moment that God started doing his work."
Her partner, Eric, did a lot of work around the house and garden. One day, while building a fence, some of the wood pierced his chest. That was the start of his cancer.
His deteriorating health and increased drinking meant he often hit Brenda and threatened to ransack the house.
Eventually she persuaded him to see a doctor in his home area. He was soon admitted to a cancer hospital, where he later died. They had been together for 10 years
"I remember going into work and I said: 'Good morning everyone. Eric's dead. Just get on with your work," she said.
"We didn't go to the funeral- I didn't want to upset his wife. But I later took Jane to his plot in St Helen's and we laid posies and said our goodbyes. That was when the healing started."
Brenda's drinking got worse and she used to have regular blackouts.
"With Eric gone, I had two bottles-mine and his," she said.
"What brought it to a head was when I came round once and my daughter was trying to feed me a jam sandwich. She said: 'You've got drunk and had nothing to eat.' I tried so hard to stop after that, but I couldn't do it on my own. I would walk round and round the off licence and then go and phone the Methodist minister, but he wasn't in. Then, of course, I would go and have a drink. That's what you do- you blame everyone else."
One day, while at work, she decided to phone the AA.
"I remember going to the first meeting and I heard people laughing- I thought they couldn't possibly be laughing in their situation," she said.
"They gave me half a cup of tea- any more and you would spill it because of the shakes. I remember seeing a poster on the walls that said: 'Let go and let God.'
"It became my place of safety because I couldn't get a drink."
Getting well was difficult and painful, but she felt God guided her, often without her realising it.
"You get to the point where you know the pain is going to benefit you, because it's getting all the muck and filth out of you," she said.
"The more dirt you get out, the more room there is for the Holy Spirit to fill you."
Since then, despite ongoing health problems, Brenda has been committed to serving God in her church and community. She has sewn and altered clothes to raise money for mission trips, witnessed to local friends and neighbours and even smuggled Bibles into Croatia and Hungary.
"I was made redundant, so I had the money and I ended up being thrown in the deep end with two Scottish ladies, who I couldn't understand at all," she said.
"We had a van, with a hollow bottom to contain Bibles and we also took food for the people. One day a guard leant on our van and when he moved away, all this food fell out! He just looked at it, looked at us and rubbed his tummy, as if to say we liked our food a lot! Who'd have thought I'd end up on a smuggling trip!"
For the past two years, she's been forging friendships at a local bingo night and praying for the ladies attending. She now feels she is starting to see the results of her persistence.
"I remember being laid up and telling God that I was a useless Christian- I couldn't do anything or go anywhere," she said.
"But God said to me: 'Brenda, you can lie there for the rest of your life and I won't love you any more or less. You just do for me what I ask you to do.' You are never retired with God"
"I think my years as a Christian have been the best of my life and whatever you've done, whatever you're ashamed of, just give yourself to God and be guided by him. You won't go wrong."
