Mark Robinson-looking back on life with God

Saying goodbye to Pastor John Austin this week, a man who certainly ran the race, has caused me to reflect on the things that I’ve done with my own life.

John was a man who led me to the Lord, married myself and my wife, Andrea and was there for us as pastor and friend. He never judged me through anything that went on and always said exactly the right thing. I look at the lives he touched and the fruit he bore and reflect on how much fruit I’m bearing as a Christian.

It’s not been an easy race. Despite my initial blood rush of becoming a new Christian and wanting to save the world, I had the idea that I could carry on living any lifestyle that I wanted to. It was through that belief, plus a very risky prayer I prayed as an enthusiastic young believer, that  I ended up in a wardrobe in a grotty bed-sit downing a bottle of Jack Daniels, having lost everything and given up on God- and life.

When I met Andrea, I wasn’t a Christian. I’d been brought up in a traditional Methodist church with hard pews, where children were seen and not heard. I was wary of evangelicals and believed it was mass hysteria.

I went to Blackpool Christian Fellowship a few times with Andrea, but it was after hearing a sermon sometime later, it struck me as 100% true and I wanted to make a commitment. The first thing I wanted to do after that was go to the pub and celebrate!

 I had been a gambler since about the age of seven, when I used to sit with my dad (also a gambler), go through the all the horses and have bets with him. Of course, when I became a Christian, it didn’t strike me that I was doing anything wrong, because it was part of my life and it was what I had always done.

At first I was like an excited, yapping puppy, running around and doing lots of spiritual things. I Bible-bashed all my friends to death, went to every meting and tried to fit in more things in a day than there were hours.

One day, myself and my friend/prayer partner read a pamphlet by Tozer about losing your reputation and standing before man in order to let God use you in his way. After some deliberation, we decided to pray that prayer: that God would strip away everything that was a hindrance in our lives, such as pride, sin, wrong attitudes and anything which was built on our own reputation that stopped us from seeing things from Gods point of view. We said no matter how hard, we were willing to accept what God said and did in order for this to happen.

Straight away God took us at our word and put our prayer into action. My gambling problem suddenly became a serious stronghold in my life. I put my family finances in real danger, eventually being found out with drastic consequences in my life and my marriage. I had all my money managed by my wife; I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom for quite a long time.

I then had an affair. I had moved so far away from God that he had let me go- my wife later said God had told her she had to let me go, to let me do what I was going to do. I wasn’t going to be in His hands any more and was out of his protection. I was an accident waiting to happen.

I had turned my back on God. I didn’t feel I deserved God’s love and I had no right to call myself a Christian or to have a relationship with Him. I couldn’t even look at Christians because I thought they could see right through me and see all the horrible things I was up to. But I carried on doing them

The affair was found out and I split up with my wife and left the family home to stay with my friend and prayer partner. Later I ended up in a grotty little bed-sit, with the bed, kitchen, wardrobe and lounge all in a 14ft by 14ft room.

By this point everybody in Christian circles and my business life knew about the gambling and the affair. My reputation was ruined. I was drinking heavily and not doing very much with myself. I didn’t believe I was saved any more; I thought I was going to hell.

On day, about eight months after I’d split up with my wife, I was feeling particularly grotty. I bought that bottle of Jack Daniels, climbed into my bed-sit wardrobe and drank the lot. I decided I never wanted to come out of this wardrobe again. I’d had enough.

I woke up sometime after a couple of days and in the dark of the wardrobe, I cried out to God and said I just couldn’t live like this any more. I had destroyed my family and was destroying myself. I had no contact with my prayer partner, who had moved to Saudi Arabia to work.

I started to go to a church in Lytham where I thought no one would know me. I tried to worship, but it was hard. I just laid everything down before God and said I was really sorry for everything I’d done.

The next thing was plucking up the courage to go to my wife because I’d been so proud, arrogant and horrible to her. I had got to the point in my life where I’d recognised the damage I’d caused, realised I still loved her and wanted to make amends. I didn’t expect her to take me back- I felt ashamed and disgraced.

Sometime later, after many arguments and angry words my wife and I started communicating. Eventually we started to date and after just over a year apart I moved back into our home. Not long after that, despite the upset of losing a baby, we had our third child, Jessica.

There have been many times when my wife has struggled to forget the things I did. Even now there are triggers which bring back horrible memories for her. But we’re still working on our marriage, our love for each other and now we have three beautiful children.

It’s taken a long time for me to get to the stage where I could talk freely and openly about what happened and a long time to accept God’s forgiveness and to really forgive myself. That’s the daft thing about God. We live by his grace and we don’t deserve it, but he loves us and chooses to forgive us. It’s taken a long time for that to really sink in.

Looking back, I’m glad I prayed that prayer because there were so many things that were destroying my life. My reputation was all casinos, gambling, drinking and everything you’d expect a non Christian to do. Even though it was painful to have it stripped away, the miracle is that I’ve moved on and I know God’s still working on me. However, I would say be careful what you pray for, because God will take you at your word. The same thing happened to Tozer- he lost his leadership, reputation and ended up sleeping rough before the penny dropped that he’d prayed that prayer!

I find it easier now, after such big problems, to work through other things with God. It’s now built into my discipleship because I’ve carried on running the race, even though sometimes I’ve taken quite a large break from it. Sometimes in the race, you end up tired, hungry, hurt, angry and with blisters, but the important thing is to keep running. I know that if you really seek God, He will give you an answer. Bad times will always hurt, but I know that in God, I’ve experience a peace at times when I’ve really needed it.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone to go down the road I’ve gone down to learn all the things I’ve had to learn, but I know that God uses trials to improve us.

Through good and bad days I now try to put God first, love my wife more and live how he wants me to. The rewards are great, though the struggles are still hard to cope with sometimes but anything is better that turning away from God and falling into that life of sin and destruction I remember so well.

I now want to build a caring Christian home with God’s love in it, for my family and be more assertive, loving and caring. I don’t want to just sit on the back seat any more and let life ride on. I know I’ve been like a passing ship at church and not been there very often, apart from recent months. I had to really make a sacrifice to go on Sundays and worship God, but since I started doing that, God’s started preparing me for the real Christian life and getting rid of all the dross.

I know that if it wasn’t for God, there’s no way me and my wife would be sat in church, holding hands, with our three children. Our relationship’s built on God now and if all the stuff we’ve been through as a couple can help even one couple to reconcile their marriage, then it would have been absolutely no price to have paid.

Mark Robinson